An Initiation

I am witnessing myself step into my personal power, and it is beautiful, and about the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I word it that way, because for me, there's no other choice. To live in authenticity with what I'm here to do is now, the only option. It's this, or lie here with the dead weight of unexpressed brilliance spreading its poison through my bones. 

This blog is a collection of writing, topics spawned from recent experience and also those I've wished to write about for a while. Some are old posts, others are continuing to be birthed into the now. This expression can't wait any longer ...

"Make everything in you an ear, each atom of your being, and you will hear at every moment what the Source is whispering to you, just to you and for you, without any need for my words or anyone else’s. You are—we all are—the beloved of the Beloved, and in every moment, in every event of your life, the Beloved is whispering to you exactly what you need to hear and know. Who can ever explain this miracle? It simply is. Listen and you will discover it every passing moment. Listen, and your whole life will become a conversation in thought and act between you and Him, directly, wordlessly, now and always. It was to enjoy this conversation that you and I were created." —Rumi

I am walking into the light; I am coming home to myself: I am moving into full recognition of my "higher truth", or personal power ("it", of course having been within me, as it's within all of us, as it's within all of everything). I've allowed these embers -- this could-be raging fire that's been in need of breath and stoking -- burn slowly in its slow, dim form for far too long. Fires can be created from embers, but it's my breath that will allow this one to rage. Here, I bow to my breath. 

I've felt fear for so much of my life: this fear has spun its life from the yarn with which I've continued to provide it: my feeding these fears has aided in the slow weaving of a tapestry threaded from an ancestral and karmic manifestation within me, its life perpetuated by society -- built on thousands of years of trauma to the human psyche, and passed down to us, the successors of our race – in the form that my unique trauma comes: perfectly, intricately layered, and colored in such way that it now just looks monotone. I am breaking cycles now -- I am LISTENING to my truth; I have learned that full access to this recognition is (and has been) always available to me, if only I simply intentionally check in with myself.

Fear and shame run deep within me. Within all of us, I imagine. This is by no one’s direct fault, of course (because we’re all always simply doing the best we can with what we have here and now -- moving through the blended muck of our own make-up with which we've come into this life. And that means the pace is different for each of us.) But I'm able to begin to release mine on my own, and now. My mind is powerful, but not in the ways that serve me anymore. (Oh, did I mention I'm entering my Saturn Return? Yea. Gnar-gnar, but beautiful.) I no longer wish to be in fight-or-flight mode. De-conditioning from a life lived in fear is a process. It's what kept me safe; it's what kept my ancestors safe. And the human experience is HARD: breaking the cycles that have manifested within us through centuries of ancestral and soul oppression, crystallized within the textured layers of each of our beings, makes for the most arduous process a human might undertake in a lifetime.  For much of the Western population, and much of the world, even (especially as so many of the man-made systems functioning within our precious planet look to and even depend on -- for their "livelihood", often -- the Western influence and the example this country sets, and the "needs" that Westerners demand from it in the form of material-everything), societal expectation weighs heavily. It tells us to stay within the lines, however blurred and fraught with mixed messages they may be. It's all intricately layered and connected, but not in the ways it needs to be. Fear insists it must be this way, but we have been misled. 

"The first step is to go for the truth. Self inquire… what is true about who I am? Tear away layer after layer. Ask yourself what’s true until you know. Neti Neti. Think for yourself. Don’t follow." -- Jed McKenna

We each have our own karma to work through in this lifetime: And to drag ourselves around weighed down with all the literal weight we carry as humans, working through confusion in an independent-minded manner (while embracing vulnerability enough to reach out for support from our sisters and brothers when we need it) while holding space within our processes for both ease and grace to enter us, what does one do?

Continue to breathe. And start a blog, perhaps.