I relapsed on Monday. Memorial Day. A day I remember used to be filled with pizza at the pool because school was out and we were free to dip into that timeless summer haze. I now have 5 days sober (again). Fuck, this feels hard. Why do I have this disease? My sponsor, Nicole, tells me that alcohol and drugs are just a symptom of the illness. That addiction is a disease like any other. This makes sense to me and I hate it. I'm meeting cool, strong, amazingly enduring people in the program, met a guy I really like, feel supported, connected. Yet I still grabbed that bottle of whiskey and returned to a state of powerlessness that overran my entire being and reduced me to tears and a vomit stained shirt. Powerlessness. It's a thing. Here I am, sober today though, smoking too many cigarettes and sitting with my shit. All of it. And I'm writing again. It's a start.
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