On thoughts

“If you think it, you can create it”

“You better let somebody love you before it’s too late ...” -the eagles (I believe). Why can’t I follow my intuition more? I should know by now that it’s pretty much always right. <3


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To Be Toxic

I don’t know what to do. One minute I feel calm and content when he talks about a future together, and the next I feel completely suffocated by the toxic mess that has become our relationship’s stew. Am I growing into being a more toxic person by being with him? Most days, I’m beginning to think I do.

“What’s wrong, babe? Talk to me.”
“I just don’t think I make the best decisions when I’m with you.”
“I know, babe. I’m going to try to be a better influence on you.”
“...I don’t know that you can.”
“This is something we need to tackle together, something we need to work on, because I want my future to have you in it. Just please don’t give up on us yet.”


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Existence

I often think about the ripples our thoughts and actions create, about cause and effect. Like if a single nano-second could change the outcome of any would-be scenario. A glance at me, driving, from another driver could be the nano-second that changes that person getting in an accident or not 10 seconds later. Is destiny real, though? If we are meant to meet certain people, to accomplish certain things, or even to die at a certain point in time, would those things happen anyway via other means?


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A try at “therapy”

On a day only a few breaths ago, perhaps a year or two, I found myself seated across from a man who went by the title “psychotherapist.” This man was neither humble nor kind; simply outdated by his age and general demeanor. I would guess that he was pushing 80, for those who feel it’s relevant to know. Because potentially, it is. I explained to him my story, how we are entering into a new “paradigm”, a word he was entirely unfamiliar with. I explained to him the age of the divine feminine, and about how we need to heal the sacred masculine that lies within us all in order to become fully realized in our power. As a result, he told my mother, when she came in near the end of our session, that she had “a real problem here” and that she should seek medical help for me immediately. This, exactly is the problem with the outdated paradigm of white, cis-gendered, hetero older men in power. They simple don’t get it. It’s beyond their capacity to understand.
I ran across this man again on the street a few months ago and silently said a prayer to myself that he might open more to the possibility that there may be more out there to understand beyond his limited scope of the world. May it be. May we all find healing in the way in which we and the world are suited Best.


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Wisdom

“This isn’t about me; this is about you.”
If I find yourself having irrational thoughts or fears around something then I need recognize that it’s work I have to do.

“I can’t sacrifice my happiness so that you worry less. That’s unfair to me.”
-Hope, about my fears and her going back to California


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Time

“You can get most things back. The only thing you can’t get back is time.” - a wise friend, today


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Lessons

Yesterday, I was sad. That deep sort of overwhelming, penetrating sadness racked my soul. I went downstairs to get a hug from Hope and she told me, because I drank the night before, “alcohol is a depressant; this isn’t you. It’s ok I know what it’s like to feel sad for no reason.” Then she gave me some healthy suggestions of things I could do to help myself. She is so wise and so comforting to me. The relationship I share with her is unlike any other in my life and I feel grateful for her as a teacher and as a friend. She’s my greatest teacher, actually. I remember telling her that a couple summers ago as we sat under the trees and I watched a tear fall from her eye as the words hit her. Yes, she is my greatest teacher. And I’m glad she knows it.


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Surgery

My mama went into surgery today, a bilateral hip replacement. I am insanely nervous for this, even though I’ve been reminded countless times by countless people that she should come out of nothing but perfect again, able to walk again without hobbling around like 90-something year old woman like she has been the last six or so months. Still, prayers please for a safe and healthy recovery. Om shanti shanti shanti. Blessings to you and yours.


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Intuition

I had such a strong feeling this morning of feeling like I had forgotten something I needed on the way to work. Immediately after this intuitive feeling came on I realized I had left my make-up bag at home. I usually put my make-up on in the car on the way to work and was bare faced all day. I don’t wear a lot of make-up but my staples are cover up and mascara and I had neither on. But it was ok. I’m just weirded out by how strong my feeling was of having forgotten something — my intuitive senses really freak me out at times ... more later, when I can think of how to make this post more interesting


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Dreams 2

I awake suddenly from a nightmare, drenched in terror and sweat. It’s come to me again. What do I do with this? I have dreams of my family dying, of the future in a post-apocalyptic dystopia. Robots everywhere. Bees extinct. The dreams are tragic and difficult and I don’t know how to navigate why I’m having them. My mom says they’re just nightmares; “do you know how many times I had nightmares of my Grandmother dying and gosh, she lived to 75.”
I’m not convinced. My dreams take hold of me, these ... nightmares. As I was just typing ‘nightmares’ my phone autocorrected to ‘blessings’. Are they blessings? Warnings? What?

I cry for hours in my bed, tear soaked & mascara stained sheets. I’m training myself in how to be lonely while alone. That it’s ok. It is ok.


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Do you?

Things that should be asked, often, in every type of relationship: how is your heart? Is your breath happy here? Do you feel free?
—nayyirah waheed


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Grandpa

When my grandfather died when I was 13, I can remember my dad turning around in his seat to my sisters in the back of the car telling us, girls, this isn’t grandpa anymore, what you’re going to see here is just his shell. That stuck with me. We have these human bodies we walk around containing the entire universe inside of us. When we leave our human bodies, all that’s left in this physical world is our shell.


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That Inner Voice

I was talking to a friend earlier today about the curiosity that our inner selves have for traumatic or extreme situations, even when they’re going on. We spoke about how interesting is that, even during some sort of crisis occurring, that there can be that ongoing narrative that removes us, just a little bit, from the crisis at hand. I believe it’s this voice that can keep us complete succumbing to the tragedy (or even triumph and beauty, depends on scenario at hand). I believe this voice in the back of mind, is the one that keeps me writing and just teetering over to the side of the sane. Perhaps madness is genius though, as the saying goes. Who’s to say a crisis so pervasive and LARGE couldn’t topple me down to the other side. I do know that the curiosity to experience all things, though, would still be present. At least, eventually.


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A Dream

“What does the ice cream represent?”, she asked. “Blessings and good fortune”, I answered.
This was met with a skeptical gaze. “I think you misinterpret my dreams. That’s why I don’t like telling them to you.”
In the dream, Hope had silvery white hair and was in some sort of ski village, in an ice cream shop. She got to the front of a very long line and was greeted with a less-than-friendly ice cream-scoop-wielding sales clerk. “What would you like?”, she asked my sister. Hope asked for a flavor and the girl behind the counter began to scoop ice cream into a cone. Scoop after scoop, my sister says to her, “I don’t need that much.” The girl behind the counter retorts with a smirk and hands Hope her tower of ice cream. As she heads towards the exit, the ice cream begins to fall off the cone. Standing at the threshold of the ice cream shop, Hope takes a look behind her, back at the long line. She knows that she doesn’t want to wait in line again for more and so she takes a step outside. There, the rest of the ice cream, melting already, falls off the cone onto the ground at her feet.

Now, I have a different interpretation of the Dream, and it’s much more sinister than blessings and good fortune. This scares me but I don’t know, knowing what I do now, how else to interpret it.


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Artistry

I often wonder about if people who are totally secure in their beauty find it easier to create because they don’t worry about how they appear to others. That their inner voice doesn’t nag at them to do anything different than create from their own little sacred heart space. That creativity is born more easily for the secure. Or is some art born of insecurity and that is beauty in its own right?


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Pier 2.

I’ve been so impressed by my sister lately. Always nudging herself closer and closer to her truth through big steps like apologizing when it’s warranted and being honest when she’s asked the tough questions. She is becoming more open to all that she has to feel, especially in a wake of a tragedy that rocked her to her core. She told me today, “I may not have been as delicate with my words as i should have been ...” in reference to a rude comment she threw at me the other night. I told her it was okay and thanked her for apologizing. Of course it’s okay; apologizing is an act of bravery and who wouldn’t accept a sincere one?
She also is so good with silence. The space between words. Knowing when to talk and when to stay quiet, to listen. I’m learning so much from my relationship with her and feel so lucky to have her by my side, riding these rocky waves together, hand in hand; we got this. I did a lot of damage to our relationship when we were growing up and I feel that we are truly and fully repairing now. I am so grateful.


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Darkness & Light

Back when I was in OkCupid for a brief stint, one of the compatibility questions was this: if you had to choose one, which would it be; always night or always day? I immediately selected “Night” without thinking much into it.

What I did immediately consider is that nighttime is when we rest. When the world around us slows down for a little while. We cozy up in a dream-filled state and let ourselves hang out there for a little.

Daytime? The daytime is tricky. You get the bad news in the daytime; the calls that bring you to your knees. But it’s also when the sun comes to kiss the fields it rises upon. It brings hope for a new day.

There is a crack in everything; that’s where the light gets in.


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You and Me

The totality
Of my
Oversize & obscure presence

Might be too much for you but
Underneath your sarcasm is a small
Child waiting to be
Held by someone you once said was too much


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Growing Bravery

Presence. What a thing. Deb says I need to “grow the muscle” that brings me back to the present when I’m immersed in worries of the future. Again and again, come back to the present. Can I engage my cynical, intrusive thoughts? Can I argue with them, challenge them, tell them they’re welcome here but let them know when it’s time to leave? Am I bold enough for that? A strong personality I have, yes, but boldness, bravery, speaking up to the voices in my head — am I bold and brave enough for that?


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Thank you

Last night, across the table where we sat for my dad’s birthday dinner, Pier reached across and gently held my hands. Alix, she said, focusing directly on me. “It doesn’t help anything to worry.” She calmed me, my sister. On the way back to the car, she said to me: “you’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.” So is she. So is she.


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