There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others. --Martha Graham
Everything has prepared itself perfectly to lead up to the present moment -- this preparation is no mistake. This speaks to me personally, as I feel the deep unrest that Martha Graham speaks of ... I feel it right now, and it feels like it's about time. I have been in my period of (what I consider) conscious awakening for about four years, but it's only now that it's starting to feel INTENTIONAL. And I when I turn to this feeling, this knowing, I sense a deep, resonating inner buzz that won't quiet down; it's alive. No wonder I feel so connected to bees.
Currently, the buzz is driven by fear. When I tap into the fear, it's clear that much of it comes from my thoughts. In an earlier post I wrote about how I tend to build up stories so, so quickly in my mind and give them full access to the wheel -- and what happens when these thoughts drive is a backseat ride for me on the Carousel from Hell. Once I finally eject myself from this absurd, unrestrained whirl, I'll recognize I had been holding my breath; I'll recognize feeling some tightness in my chest and weight in my belly. And then I'll realize that the whole time, I was missing what could have been a far more unobscured view of what had actually been going on around me -- on earth.
A friend shared with me that fear shows up to reveal to us that there's something we don't want to look at. I've written a lot here about running from fear, how it takes us away from the present. I now see my major habit of doing that -- of running. I simply hadn't realized until recently that my mind's deeply habitual way of distracting myself is its own self-defense; it's because the ego doesn't want to die. And therein, lies the purpose of fear: to distract us from the inevitability of death.
I believe that all fear is derived from the fear of death. This could be physical death, of course. It could also simply be change. Change denotes the death of something. At all times, things are dying and being reborn into new things. This is the order of everything: it occurs in nature in its most simple and perfect form -- it creates space for new growth, for new life. It is why patterns exist, what a kaleidoscope is made of, why monks spend lengths of time creating intricate and ornate mandalas from colored sand and upon their completion, whisk them away in a matter of seconds. If change didn't exist, nothing would. But what keeps our minds from resisting change? Why do we allow our minds to create for us the egoic state? Because it's safer here. Why is it safer? Because it's familiar. Why are we so attached to familiarity? Because it's what we know. Why do we need to grasp to what we know? Because the unknown is TERRIFYING. Anything could happen. Any level of change could occur at any time.
Becoming familiar with uncertainty feels like my current task -- it feels potent and resonant and vital, if only for the reason that RIGHT NOW, it's the only way I'll currently be able to tap into my higher truth, to delve deeper into what I need to do with my time here, with this beautiful and blessed incarnation I've been given. And for each of us, discovering that highest manifestation of our gifts and talents is of the most crucial of importance for each of us here and now.
I've been continuously calling in more and more sisters and brothers all the time (of various ages ranging from children to elders) to show me how to better live (and to support me in showing myself how to live better), to tap into my higher truth. They are in many different places in their journeys, but all feel critical and vital to my process -- which of course, is everyone's process when we really look at it. All of them have paved their own way with the golden brick and sparkling mortar of their wisdom and action -- some see this about themselves and because they continue to do so, they light my path. Other sisters and brothers with whom I've connected are stuck in a fear-placed Samsara of the type I often find myself immersed in as well. (I seem to jump back and forth a lot, especially recently, between these two spaces of understanding -- I suppose we all do at times. Welcome to the human experience, right?). I've noticed that when I meet family from this latter group, I tend to bust out my torch and strike it against something so it alights so they can see the path. And I notice that when I do this, we both see the path. Healing is symbiotic; it's co-creative. We are all just in our own unique place in it -- in the precious journey of coming home to ourselves. And this journey, of course, wouldn't be possible without change. Bless it.
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