Threw Stones at the Stars but the Whole Sky Fell

I’m not sure where to begin with this post so I’m just going to begin here. I just got up to Mike’s and am waiting for him in his driveway. I’m realizing this delay is so I can write this post. On the way here, I got a notification that there was a Psychic Expo at 3:00 in Grand Rapids. If I had planned better I could have gone to that until 4:30. Mike and I are supposed to go to LCD Soundsystem tonight and I don’t know if I really even care for their music that much. Mike could have sold the ticket he’s going to give to me but he said he wants me to go with him. Feeling confused about where I’m supposed to be tonight. A friend told me yesterday that my sister (Pier) might need me tonight, but I think she’s going to go to a movie with my mom and I can’t sit through movies. I told the guy at Wildside, Hank, about Holly when I was in there the other day getting Cool Whips (a current addiction of mine) and he hooked up a friends and family discount today. I really need to cool it on the cool whips. For real. I also stopped by the Neutral Zone to see if I could sign the last form for my volunteering shifts but it was closed. Mike just called me mid-writing and now I’m all distracted. I pulled into his driveway and pulled against the stone wall and scratched up my car so I’m all upset about that as well. My dad will flip his lid if he sees it. I can’t believe I just did that. Fuck.

I accidentally called Mike my “ex boyfriend” in passing to Hank and wonder if it was a Freudian slip.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Daytime

The people close to me can’t understand what I’m going through. How this feeling hits me every morning within moments of waking up. I remember a few years ago, when I was on Ok Cupid, I answered the question “If you had to choose, would you rather it be always nighttime or always daytime?” with the answer of night. Night is when, in general, people are safe. Everyone is cuddled up in bed. No news is good news. Daytime is when you get the phone call that brings you to your knees. The knock on the door. The news that breaks you. Daytime is when it hits; nighttime is when you rest.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Pier 1.

It’s an almost-full moon in Taurus tonight. My north node.

Pier and I walked down Barton Nature Trail and talked, Scout running ahead of us. We talked about how November could remind us that death is actually beautiful, that impermanence is what drives us to want to live more fully. This was her saying this — a big deal.

On the way back, she asked about if I was talking to a therapist and I mentioned my conversation with Deb last night and how we covered a lot of ground, mostly around my feelings about being “too much”, how I’m always apologizing for it. I started to cry a bit and said, “but I’m never too much, it’s just the way I am.” Without saying a word, Pier reached her arm around my waist and held me. It may have been the sweetest moment I’ve experienced with her since we were kids. She then put her hand around mine and we walked back to the car, talking about Holly. Healing is already happening here. <3


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Too Much

I had solid session with Deb yesterday. We covered a lot of ground around my feelings of being “too much”. I always apologize for being “too much”. Often this is verbalized as too “needy”. My whole life I’ve been shown that I’m too much, that I need to hide, to be less than. By society, by doctors, by my own insecurities mirrored back to me in relationship. It’s all bullshit. A poem is going to born of this. I can feel it growing within me. I am never TOO MUCH.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Living a Dream 2.

This is just a wild time of year, when the veil is thinnest. I wonder if my “spidey sense” is off the charts now because of that, or if because my worst fears will actually come to fruition soon.

Every time I leave this blog page, I get redirected back here whether it be an Instagram meme reading “Stop doing anything that doesn’t serve your goals” or my own guilt about having gone so long without writing. Every moment is precious, so I’ll keep coming back here.

Ascha, the Witchy Intuitive lady up in the mountains of Colorado, told me this: “Death is just a reminder.” I understood instantly what this meant. That “spidey sense” I mentioned earlier gets kicked into overdrive whenever a death close to me occurs. It becomes suffocating and almost unbearable. Still, I know I have to carry on. I know I have to keep writing.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Living in Fear

Someone once told me something: the fear of an actual event occurring (prior to its occurrence) is worse than when the event actually occurs.

This feels true to me. I’ve spent so much time riddled with anxiety and fear, not recognizing what a strong person I actually I am. I have a far-reaching support network, loads of people who love me and will be there when the other shoe drops, if it does, and a very far-reaching social circle who will hold me if I fall. I am lucky. I pray that everyone on this planet has people who love them, support them, and hold them, especially in times of great need. Everyone deserves this. <3


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Maybe, maybe not

“I’m sorry I’m so needy. I feel like I’m too much for you.” I cried to him on the phone.
“No, babe; I’m not enough for you.” He softly explained.

My voice catches in my throat and for a moment, I can’t speak. What do I do with this? I love him so much and am so grateful for his support in my life. But perhaps it’s true. I told him I wanted him to be enough, that I wanted him to be the one. But maybe it just isn’t so — and so it goes.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone